Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize