the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize