i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
