I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
