Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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