i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
