Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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