nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she pinky promised me she was 18
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
