Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
