So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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