I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
