I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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