there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
