The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
