I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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