My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
