You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
