I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
