please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
