If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
