Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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