The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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