So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
