I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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