i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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