My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it hurts more in the daytime
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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