Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
