ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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