You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
