The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize