I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
