I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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