I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
