She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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