At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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