So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
