Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
