I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
