i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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