i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize