my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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