I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
