just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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