anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm too high and old for this...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The air taste purple.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
