Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
