I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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