I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
