fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
