you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can text with my tongue
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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