Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
