i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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