he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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