Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
