I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
