i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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